On our first full day on the island, our roommates took us to the beach, then suggested we grab lunch together at a place called Gringo Burger. I laughed out loud when I heard the name.

“White man’s burger? That translates to white man’s burger.” I said elbowing Amie. We were clearly the only ones who found the bluntness of the name hilarious.

We had heard it was the most delicious burger on the island by our seasoned roommates and we were not disappointed. However I had to go through the awkward process of explaining to the owner that I couldn’t eat bread and wanted my burger on a plate. I had been in Mexico for about two weeks at this point, and expressing that in Spanish was a mountain of a challenge for me that I wouldn’t even have to give a second’s hard thought to say now. Once I got my point across with Nat’s help, I realized that the owner thought I was joking. But I insisted, and pointed to my stomach, then the bread, then scrunched up my face. His eyes widened then he let out a laugh, and shrugged his shoulders while he passed me a plate with just the patty on it. I came to realize they always understood once they laughed. Yes, please. relish in my misfortune.

After burgers, I left with Amie to take out mas dinero (mo money).   Someone had recently told us that the island didn’t sell booze past 5pm as an agreement to not take away business from the hostel’s event profits. We were shit out of luck because it was 5:15. So we walked to the ATM anyway, prepared to pay out the ass for drinks. As we skulked on our way to the ATM, a liquor shop caught my eye.


A tequila shop caught my eye.

I had never been so happy to be cat called, because when I looked up, the local running the shop was gesturing for us to come in. It was past 5:30 at this point, so I yelled “We are getting money next door, don’t you dare close on us.” and we ran from the ATM back to the tequila shop and up its steep steps. I glanced around, and picked up a beautiful bottle that was particularly ornate. Amie was crouched down reading something beside me when she sprung up, straight backed, and whispered “Sany… that bottle is 2000 pesos.”. Instant devastation. I awkwardly explained that I didn’t realize that this was a specialty shop, and I was immediately cut off by and overjoyed pair of ladies throwing up their sample shot glasses yelling “Yo TURN-UP.” with their braids swinging. At the time I just laughed and didn’t understand why they were turnt at all,  but I was pretty happy when the man offered me a sample.

It was this creamy tequila by the looks of the bottle and and he assured me it was absolutely delicious. I assured myself that it was absolutely disgusting and braced myself for a putrid shot. But the reflexive gag never came. It was probably the best booze I’d had all trip. So me and Amie took a picture of the bottle, thanked the man and went to leave the store. But he scrambled over to us and said “No no no! If you like this I have another one.” and we had a chocolate tequila cream shot. It was delicious too and when we went to put our glasses down he grabbed another bottle and opened it. That moment alone made up for missing Christmas. Even if the samples we were getting were a little less than half the size of normal shots, we were dealing with tequila after all. Our predrink may have well fallen right into our laps.

So basically what happened was that we sampled about a quarter of the store. We had a vanilla shot, then the chocolate, coffee, tequila made from coconuts, and a strawberry one that tasted like a milkshake. We also had a banana, almond, pina colada, a simple agave tequila, then a straight tequila shot twice for good measure. Some of them we even sampled a second time. Regardless of the fact that I had just sampled 13 different tequilas, I still couldn’t get the straight shots down without throwing it up in my mouth immediately after taking it with my eyes watering like a slap to the face.

Amie had already had two beers before we went on our dinero run, and being the light weight that she was, she was drunk as a monkey by the time we left the shop. She had even desperately gotten my attention while the man had his back to us to tell me she couldn’t take any more. I told her to “stop being such a little bitch.”-Paul Newman. With my eyes bulging and my nose in the air I mouthed “DONT. RUIN. THIS. FOR. ME.” and threw back our last shot at the shop (even now I still laugh so hard at that memory). I would never really push Amie past her limits, but I wasn’t about to leave the shop without taking full advantage myself.

So we said thank you once again and turned to leave. As we did so, the man gave me a hug and Amie as well. But I noticed that Amies hug included having her ass grappled to aggressively that she was lifted off her feet. We scampered out of the store, trying hard not to burst out laughing while we were still within earshot of the shop. Amie was a total magnet for creeps, and I said to her

“Dude, you’d better make up a fake boyfriend or something, you’re like salsa to the taco.”.